19 years ago my brother John committed suicide. Sometimes I wonder if he would have realized the impact his death would have on our family, would he have gone through with it. It has been 19 years and it still feels like yesterday. I remember the next day my mind was still expecting him to walk up that ramp and I would run to the door. No matter how late John came in the door at night he would always wake me up to give me a big hug. Before you consider taking your own life, think about how that would make your family feel.
I try to be as possible, but I always have this negative voice in the back of my mind telling me I would be better off dead. Sometimes I long to be home and by home I mean heaven. I am always particularly melancholy around this time of year, because February will be 19 years of my brother John’s death; John committed suicide when he was 17. I feel partly responsible for his death, because I knew how unhappy it was with life, but I just then he would suck it up and deal with it like the rest of us. After he died I remember being jealous because he had the courage to do what I could not do, which is end my own suffering. No matter how much I hate this life at times, I cannot against God’s will.
My brother John and I would constantly argue about the existence of God. This is when I believe in more of a traditional religion, like Christianity. I am grateful to tell you that my Outlook had greatly improved, however in the back of my mind I have doubts about whether I am worthy of anything positive. I still believe that suicide is not the answer, because life is forever changing, as long as you have breath you have a chance to make it wonderful.
Depression hit many people this time a year, but please remember that your family would rather have you in their lives than some meaningless trinket.
My brother John’s death has caused lasting pain to my family. I don’t think my brother could have ever understood the gravity of his actions; I don’t think he could have anticipated the ripple effect his actions would have caused years later.
Now I sometimes worry about the state of my brother’s spiritual well-being. Please remember nobody ever completely without hope.