I feel as a person with a disability who needs a lot of care, I find it impossible to have anything that resemble a social life. My beautiful mind is trapped inside a body that does not work very well. The guys that I have had feeling for I am quite sure that most of them did not even know I was even alive. The few that I had the guts to tell them to their face how I felt got down right angry and nasty. Like I was something totally disgusting and beneath their feet. I feel like I have so much to offer the world, but no one seems to want to find out what I am offering. If people could just get what I look like, or what they think a person with a disability should be. I think I am very funny and charming. Admitting my conversation skills could probably use some perfecting, because I am around PCA’s all day. Though when I am out in public I tried to make conversations with strangers, so I can try to make a connection with someone outside of my little bubble. My life feel very suffocating, because I always have somebody around me almost all the time. When I am out with my caregiver it is like I become invisible, even when they want to ask me a question they will ask the caregiver the question and wait for her to translate the Quest allion. Do these people really that people with disabilities have our own language?
I hate when able body people tell me the best way to live life with my disability. Those know it all people never had to explain to someone they really like about weird startle reflex, or my personal favorite to explain to a guy I like is that I am 32 and I wear depends. That kind of stuff is a mood killer for sure. Sometimes when I sit too close to another person my arm can spontaneously extend, which has led to some pretty awkward conversations with total strangers; not exactly the best first impression. Just the fact that people are gawking at me when I am out with someone can be very unsettling for the other person. I am so used to people looking at me when I go somewhere that I don’t even notice people doing it anymore.
The most frustrating thing for me is that I have a very outgoing personality that not a whole lot of people get to see, because most men will give me the time day. I believe that my personality was transplanted into a completely different body. If that were to happen my social calendar would be full and I would be the life of the party. I know for myself that am a wonderful light hearted person, I just wish more people knew it too. Even though we say things like don’t judge a book by its cover, we can’t help but to do it anyway. Even I am guilty of this at time, after all I am only human. I too misjudged the things I did not understand at first. I understand why people feel the way they do when they first meet me: I just wish they would give me a chance to challenge their pre-conceived notions about the disabled.
You also have those people that think that I am a saint, just because I am a disabled person in a wheelchair. I cannot stand the way my doctor looks at me; she looks at me like I am an angel with a halo that is going to grow wings any day now. Like I could do anything wrong. The people that think that disabled people could never think about sex. My mom always has an unrealistic expectations about me being a perfect being. She would allow my brothers and sister to say any profanity they wanted, but if I did I got into so much trouble.