Sometimes when I talked to my mom I feel like she tried to take these potshots at me. My mom had a tendency to make these passive aggressive comments about my life, like you know you’ll never find a man or have children. What I don’t get is my mom has a lot of grandchildren that he doesn’t even bother with. She says all the time if have to do all over again she would never get married or have kids. If kids made your life so miserable, why would you want that for me? I admit I haven’t achieve great success with my books, but at least I have tried to make a go of my life.
I am totally amazed how differently me and my family remember things. We are constantly arguing about diffrent childhood events. I guess memories aren’t the best witness.
19 years ago my brother John committed suicide. Sometimes I wonder if he would have realized the impact his death would have on our family, would he have gone through with it. It has been 19 years and it still feels like yesterday. I remember the next day my mind was still expecting him to walk up that ramp and I would run to the door. No matter how late John came in the door at night he would always wake me up to give me a big hug. Before you consider taking your own life, think about how that would make your family feel.
I try to be as possible, but I always have this negative voice in the back of my mind telling me I would be better off dead. Sometimes I long to be home and by home I mean heaven. I am always particularly melancholy around this time of year, because February will be 19 years of my brother John’s death; John committed suicide when he was 17. I feel partly responsible for his death, because I knew how unhappy it was with life, but I just then he would suck it up and deal with it like the rest of us. After he died I remember being jealous because he had the courage to do what I could not do, which is end my own suffering. No matter how much I hate this life at times, I cannot against God’s will.
My brother John and I would constantly argue about the existence of God. This is when I believe in more of a traditional religion, like Christianity. I am grateful to tell you that my Outlook had greatly improved, however in the back of my mind I have doubts about whether I am worthy of anything positive. I still believe that suicide is not the answer, because life is forever changing, as long as you have breath you have a chance to make it wonderful.